White noise

27 Oct 2017

White noise is the best way to describe how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm not necessarily down in the dumps, yet am not entirely happy, which a right pain in the ass because more than anything, I want to vent to people who are more than ready to listen, but how can you, when you aren't entirely sure why you feel the way you do? I hate it. Maybe writing this post may get thoughts out that I didn't realise were rattling about in there. I say that, but I've looked at the word 'noise' so much in trying to put this post together, that it doesn't look like it's a real word anymore.

This year, I've become a lot more carefree and confident, at least I like to think so - which I am proud of, because for a good 5/6 years, I've been trying to build myself back up to a level of confidence like I used to have. Not that I was cocky, but had more self-belief when I was a bit younger. You may say that it's what growing up does to you, but damn, it shouldn't shift that much. I'm trying to take the good from things though, and that helps. I mean, I wouldn't have thought I'd be getting in front of the camera when someone else is taking the pictures, that's for sure! (Of course, I can't pose for shit, but that's besides the point).

Trying to steer clear of an EB (emotional breakdown, fyi)

A couple of years back, there was a blip on the radar, in the form of an...emotional breakdown. One day was asked how I was doing, and that set me off. That part of my life is a genuine blur - can't recall what happened apart from the first few days spent which I spent crying a lot. Let's call it an EBB (emotional breakdown blur). But I've said to myself that I didn't want to get that way ever again if I can help it. To not let things bottle up, and tell people how I feel, as soon as I feel it. Think that's helped, getting things out as soon as they appear or start to trouble me - 7/10, would recommend.

So this strange feeling of not knowing why I feel the way I do? It's freaky. Suppose that in a way, I'm worrying (what's new), that I'm going to end up in that same place again. Thankfully work have been lovely and let me use my remaining holiday for the year to have some time off, which will be spent doing purely what I want to do. If that's nothing? So be it! Let's be real, I won't be jetting off anywhere, and the only holiday I've taken was a break in Devon for a few days, back in September. Fingers crossed having time off will give me some time to relax, and hopefully clear my mind. It's only when we take the time to stop, that we realise how non-stop we are in this day and age, trying to make more hours in the day when it's not possible.

It's all about me, me, me

That's a lie. I don't have a personality that wants all the attention focused on me. Nuh-uh. I'm bad enough if I have to raise my voice, let alone being self-centered! Attention and me are polar opposites. Basically, what I've learnt this year is that I need to take time for myself and not cater to the whims of others. That I need to enjoy myself and when I feel the desire to be confident enough, then step out of my comfort zone now and again. But that it's also perfectly fine if that's too much. Sure, us human beings can be tough now and again, but also we need to be delicate to ourselves every so often. The world is tough, and we can only take so much of it in one go.

Photo credit: Erin Veness

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